I've done some thinking (and a lot of praying) since my last journal entry. The whole thing about Kyle moving home...i've made it a bigger deal that it is. Why in the world was I not "happy" about this? This is something I have dreamt about for my daughter. She will actually get to see him and get to know him, maybe just maybe she will NEVER ever have to hurt about this like i have imagined...this is a wonderul thing. Sure, maybe he has no clue how to start out with her, maybe he has 'missed' out on almost 4 years...but today is never too late.

I don't want to ever do anything,regarding my children, that I will regret later on. I don't want to have to answer to her why she couldn't see her dad... I don't want to be at fault for that. Something that is in my control as well.

My children mean the world to me. I may have made some mistakes and made bad decisions in the past...it's all a part of a learning experience. Children do not come with manuals, no one can prepare you for the things we go through as parents and what situations we will be put in...so it's a learn as we go.

Gosh, I have grown up so much in the past year. I've learned who my true friends are, i've learned not to depend on ANYONE else, when it comes to my happines,mine and my childrens well-being, our security...just me,myself,and I. My husband is a great person...and I do trust him (after some time), but I still know I only have myself to depend on. It's my choice though, it's how I get through life...

I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to waste my sweet time on earth upset about things that are out of my control. I just want to live my life day by day...forks in the road, I want to handle those on a case-by case basis...the smart way. I don't want to let me emotions get the best of me, because usually how I feel at "that" moment won't be how I feel in a couple of hours...

Since Tim and I have been back together (since last Sept) i am proud to say that we have had no fights, sure we have had little argument that dissipate into nothing...but we have come to realize happiness is so much more fun than being angry,jealous, or bitter!! It's truly amazing. My friends come to ME for advice...lol. I don't have the answers to everything, but I know that life is waaayyy too short to spend it unhappy and angry all the time!!

So I landed an amazing job at JP Morgan Chase...as a Fraud analyst. I am so grateful that I have been given this oportunity. Without my many years of banking experience I would not have gotten this job, not to mention my great references!! I thought, for a while, that I was on an endless path of "bank" jobs that this is ALL I would amount to, and now I see where God has lead me to...it's truly amazing.

My only problem, and it's not really a problem, is that I will be working 12-9 in Katy, TX. Meaning I will have to move my children to a 24 hour daycare until they are in school.Blah. I don't like the thought of it, but it's what it has come down to. The things mothers have to do!! I will be getting a 10% shift differential though. We do plan on moving to the big city of Houston, maybe a surrounding town. Possibly in the next few months. It's a scary thought, moving away from friends and family, but it will offer my children a ton more options as far as opportunities when they start school.It's all about the kids...I want the most for them and I want them to be exposed to "life", something they won't get going to these small town-sheltered schools.

I am totally excited about these changes. I have started a new chapter in my life and I feel I have "turned a corner" as well. I live for me and my family, and of course the Lord.

Well...it's about time for nap time for the kiddos...so have a wonderful weekend and enjoy this beautiful sunshine!!

I'm not sure why I can't seem to MAKE myself update this thing!!

Everything seems to be going wonderful. I look back and read my old journal entries, and I seemed so unhapppy...and I was. Tim is a complete different person, and he has been soooo consistant. He has not once "messed" up. It's truly amazing, the man he has become. I never expected it to be like this. Never in a million years. He is an amazing father in every way. He is like "superdad", haha, nothing will ever replace the months he missed out on, but if you saw them together now, you would never know...like he never missed a beat! Brycen will NOT go to sleep without daddy putting him down to bed, if I try he screams for daddy...and the moment he see's his daddy come in he reaches for him...Kylee thinks daddy is Mr. Fix it, like he can fix anything in the world!! She adores him and he does her,too!! That's HIS princess! I love waking up on Saturdays to an empty house, to find a note on the bar from Tim telling me he took the kids to the park or to mcdonalds to eat and play...just to let me sleep in.

He is amazing. I may have lost some "friends" over this, and some people who claimed to love me and my children....but I don't regret it for one second...my kids are happier than ever to have their daddy with them. They are happy to see me happier than ever...they are happy that their mommy and daddy realized how selfish and childish they were BEFORE they got old enough to realize how bad it had gotten. I regret a lot of things I have done in my life, but I do not regret giving the father of my children another chance...he has become the man of my dreams...of every womans dreams,actually. I couldn't ask for more.

on the other hand...Kylee's dad, Kyle has moved home. I haven't heard from HIM, of course. His mom does all of his dirty work for him. I'm still praying for guidance. I want to do the right thing for my daughter, and not let my anger get the best of me and my daughter. I want to be fair, and I want to stay true to everything I believe in...which I have always said that I would not hold her from him...all I ask is that he show some effort. Which, he hasn't. His mom has requested for her, but I don't know if that is right or not? Shouldn't he be the one requesting for her, shouldn't he be the one to tell me he is living in town again? Maybe not, maybe i'm expecting too much...I shouldn't expect anything at all. Then I think, well , I shouldn't give anything either. Ugh, it's so hard being a parent...especially when I want to be a good parent and do the RIGHT thing, for my daughter and not involve MY emotions!

oh it's wonderful to truly be happy. No faking, no fake smiles...this is me and I am truly,truly happy. My kids could not be anymore amazing...i want everything for them to be wonderful and I know it all starts with believing and trusting in the Lord...Letting the Lord take complete control of your life is not the easiest thing in the world, but it's amazing when we actually DO let him...somehow things seem to fall right into place like a perfect game of tetris! ((thats all I could think of))!! It's no newfound discovery for me and my family, it's something i have been brought up to do, but somehow I slipped off track along the way. God has a grip on me and my husband and I want him to keep it, we're fragile and very new at this life...I want the Lord to hold our hand forever through this journey... i don't ever want to let go again.

ok i'm going night night....this was a very random entry! lol...